To Good To Be True

I shouldn’t have been so naive to think that we would get to sail through our first IVF cycle with flying colours and have a perfect result. Everything went like clockwork from the egg retrieval to the transfer to our very first BFP only then to have my body fail me and give me a pregnancy that wasn’t viable for what ever reason. Out of our four fertilised eggs only one went onto blastocyst stage and the other 3 stopped developing at about the 4th dividing stage. So we didn’t end up with any able to be frozen. So our first cycle is done and dusted just like that with nothing but an empty womb and a broken heart to show for it.

Why does it have to be like this? Why can’t we just be like every other couple on the planet that seems to be able to pop babies out left right and centre? Why us? I hate this!

It was so awesome to see those 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test – the first time in nearly 11 years of trying and then seeing the delight on each of our parents faces when we told them we were finally pregnant only to then see the utter disappointment when we told them actually we’re not anymore. Was it mean to tell them in the first place? Maybe this shouldn’t be something shared. Maybe this is something we just have to bare on our own shoulders. Then I think stuff it…how much more disappointed do you think we are as the ones going through it and I figure everyone around us can share the disappointment load too.

I feel so let down by God, why couldn’t He come through for us? Did He not hear the hundreds of desperate prayers we prayed? Plus the numerous prayers from our friends and family. What is His plan and purpose in this? It just doesn’t make any sense!!

So back to the waiting game, waiting for my period to come and then having to wait for my next one to come before we can try again. So the next six weeks or more are just a waste of time waiting. Someone put me to sleep and wake me up when we can try again.

Big Day part 1 || Update

So the egg retrieval went really well and remarkably easy. I didn’t really have any idea what to expect and was blown away with how quickly the procedure was. The team were amazing. So when we first got there Adam shot off to do his bit and I was taken into a room to get prepped. They gave me a sort of sleeping type tablet that would help me relax and make me a bit dozy. They took my blood pressure which was slightly elevated but I think this was due to nerves about the procedure. I had to get into a hospital type gown and everything. I had no idea it was like a mini operation type scenario. My doctor then came in to put a lure into my hand so they could administer an analgesic drug once in theatre.

We then went down to the theatre room and hopped (well Adam lifted me – it was easier) onto the bed and legs up in the stirrups. Such an attractive position lol. It’s quite a hive of activity in there with nurses and doctors all ready to fulfil their appropriate parts. They then gave me the analgesic drug and oh boy was that a good feeling…I felt like I was floating around the room. But still with it enough to know fully what was going on. Then all of a sudden they were extracting and I heard “yes one egg”, then two, three and four and it was all over.

So the 7 follicles on my right ovary hadn’t grown much at all since my last scan and they didn’t get any eggs from them and of the 5 follicles on my left ovary they got 4 eggs. So over all that probably wasn’t a hugely successful retrieval. But Adam and I prayed beforehand and leading up to the procedure that God would just take over and control exactly how many He would have us get. So I was stocked and was praying that they would all get fertilized. Just before the start of the retrieval the lab technician came into the theatre and said to Adam that for some reason his sample had produced very low motility and asked if he might be able to do another one!!! Poor guy but what a machine…he is a legend. After we were in recovery (which was like half an hour after his first sample) off he went to try again. He came back looking rather drained lol and moments later the nurse came in to say that this one was awesome!! Phew, what a relief for the poor guy. We spent another half and hour or so in recovery, had something to eat and drink and then we were on our way. I felt amazing. Once home I slept for a couple of hours and after waking up felt a little tender down below which is understandable…the length of that needle punching through my nether regions…ahhh the things we do. It will all be worth it.

We were told the nurse would ring me in the morning to let us know how the fertilization process went. I just kept praying and believing God for the right number He would have for us. That night I didn’t sleep very well. I had awful dreams about receiving the phone call and them telling me that none of the eggs fertilized and that we were back at square one. I have no idea why I was dreaming like that but in the morning I just prayed and read and covered myself with positive thoughts and tried not to think of it.

Then once at work I had something to focus on until just after 9am my mobile rang…man my heart stopped I was so nervous as to what the results were going to be.

FOUR FERTLIZED EGGS !!!! We have four embabies!!! Waaaa I got off the phone and just cried I was soooo elated. Thank you Jesus. I then phoned my mum and she could hardly understand me. I actually cannot describe the feeling, there are no words. It is so surreal knowing that at this very moment there are microscopic cells of myself and Adam that are the very beginning of life. Excited just doesn’t even come close, I just love them already and have been praying for them all day.

So the next big thing is the transfer…this is taking place on Saturday morning. What a crazy day that is going to be. Waking up that morning and heading off to go get pregnant…waaaaah it’s just too much. Yeah so that was a long update but we are so happy with the results and going forward to the next leg of this adventure.

Big thanks to everyone for your prayers and support, I really do appreciate you all cheering us on.

Big big hugs from us and our 4 embabies xxxx

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Us after the retrieval…I look wasted as 🙂

Big Day part 1

20151207_074019We have reached the stage of our IVF adventure where we actually get to make our babies. Excitement is beyond words!! But lets back track just a tad and here is an update of how things have gone:

Tuesday 24th November: Day one of my cycle…after a looooong and rather impatient wait my period finally came! I even took a pregnancy test because it had taken longer than usual to come.

Wednesday 25th November: Day two I started 150mg of Gonal F injections into my abdomen. This medication was supplied in an epi pen type system and was super easy to administer and I hardly felt a thing. Some (or most probably) of that is due to not having complete and full feeling over my tummy – no complaints here haha. Both Adam and I had to take 2 Azithromycin tablets as well.

Sunday 29th November: Day six I then had to introduce another injection along with the Gonal F. 250mg of Orgalutran – this one came in an individual syringe and was an ever so slightly bigger needle which made it a bit more of a push to get it though my skin. This medication also felt uncomfortable going in as well as after it had been injected too. However, I had discovered that the right side of my tummy had slightly less feeling than my left so I just stuck to that side for that one and the Gonal F on the left 🙂

Tuesday 1st December: Day 8 I had a blood test and scan to see how my follicles were coming along. So my right ovary had 7 medium size follies measuring between 8 and 9mm and my left ovary had 5 medium size follies measuring the same. Plus they both had a few smaller ones as well. I got the impression from the doctor and nurses that this was perhaps on the low/small side but when they got my blood results back they were really happy with what all my levels were. I continued daily injections of Gonal F and Orgalutran.

Friday 4th December: Day 11 I had another blood test and scan. My right ovary follies hadn’t grown a big amount. The 7 were measuring 11mm but the 5 on my left ovary had grown to between 16 and 18mm which they were really happy with.

Saturday 5th December: Day 12 I stopped the 2 daily injections and administered the trigger shot at precisely 10:15pm ready for egg collection on Monday 5th….TODAY!!!

I haven’t had any side effects of any of the drugs and the only discomfort I have had was a couple of nights I had a dull ache around what I assumed was my loaded right ovary but other than that it has been going fabulously.

Any prayers are greatly received as we soldier on with our baby making adventure. We both are continuing to give this journey over to God and pray that His hand is on everything we do.

Love and hugs

Kara xx

PS: just a friendly reminder to please keep this info to yourselves xx

 

A Request to my Friends & Family

As we embark full steam ahead into the nitty gritty of this IVF adventure I need to ask my physical (not cyber) friends and family to respect our privacy with whats going on. This blog is a place for me to be totally and completely real and transparent as I (and Adam) navigate this journey and also for me to keep a diary of events to look back on and to one day share with our future ‘footsteps’. Not everyone knows we are doing IVF, not even all our family and I had 2 incidences today where this particular subject came up in front of my sister who I actually haven’t shared any of this with. I would like to keep this part of our lives a little on the private side. I know that seems strange seeing as I have a public blog and that anyone could find it if they knew about it but most people don’t and if they happened to come across it then I believe its for a reason. I have allowed a handful of you, my closest friends to journey along with us and I love having your prayers and support. But that being said my request would be for you to please not talk to me or anyone about anything to do with our pregnancy, babies or IVF if there are other people around, and also I’m going to be starting hormone injections soon and I don’t know how my body is going to react to them. The last thing I want to have happen is having someone ask me how things are going and totally flip out at them lol. There is bound to be information that you will find out about before most of our families and I am asking that you please treat everything as confidential until we have had the opportunity to personally share with our families first.

Thank you so much and I truly value your love, prayers and support.

Love and hugs

Kara xxx

This adventure just got a whole lot more real…

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Well this was a very exciting package to receive from the courier a few days ago…actually more like nearly 2 weeks!! Flip I’m terrible at this blog thing lol. Anyway, seeing the medications certainly made this journey get very real.  I actually can’t believe that we are finally here. Just waiting on aunt flo to arrive and we can get this show on the road. According to my period tacker app my average cycle length is 31 days so going by that my period should be due on the 15th then on cycle day 2 I have my first daily injection of Gonal F. Then on cycle day 6 I introduce daily Orgalutran injections and on cycle day 8 we go up for a scan and my doctor will give me the next course of medications.

So just waiting on ole AF to arrive…prayers for an early arrival would be most appreciated 🙂

We made it to the top!!!!

Hello fellow bloggers and friends, I’m sorry my blog has been totally neglected for like um AGES!! So this post will probably be a bit all over the place filling you all in on where we are at with things and what has been happening in our general lives of late.  So where to start…well I guess with the most exciting news…

We finially made it to the top of the IVF waiting list…praise the Lord. That was a long 13 months but we made it…yay!! It is such a good feeling to be moving onto the next steps and doing something more than just waiting!!

It was a very exciting day collecting the mail and seeing a familiar looking yet non descript A4 envelope in the mailbox…my heart just about leapt out of my chest. Excitement overload, So the letter instructed us that we had made it to the top of the waiting list and that they needed me to have a blood test on day 3 of my cycle and once those results were in then they would schedule us some appointments to do the consents and signing to then proceed with the IVF….well low and behold my cycle started the very next day after recieving the letter!! No coincidences with God…He is so in this!! That would have been gutting if I had already been on my period and missed day 3 and then would have had to wait like 40 days till the next one!!

Then probably a week after doing the blood test the fertility associates new patients coordinator phoned me to schedule appointments for us do the consents, signing and drug education to learn how to administer the drugs. I also had to have the ole magic wand scan up the you know what to check that my uterus and ovaries were looking as they should – which they are exactly as they should be. Poor dear husband had to have another semen analysis done as well. We would also find out while at those appointments when we would likely be able to proceed with our IVF cycle. Fortunately in this country we are very blessed with government funding for one or two fertility treatments but depending on how many patients they have had during the year funding can run out towards the end of the year. So they explained that we may not get a chance to have a go this year. I of course was hoping that we would get in this year but preparing myself that it would more than likely be early next.

Anyway all those appointments were made for one afternoon and that just happened to be today 🙂 We were both really nervous and excited but we had absolutely nothing to be nervous about, the team there are so nice and friendly and put us completely as ease. Anyway, the best news ever is that they were looking at dates and have booked us in THIS YEAR!!!! Oh my gosh…thank you Jesus!! So we are booked in the last week of November for egg harvesting which means one more period to come and go (due around mid October) then on day 2 of my next period I start the drug injections…woop woop!! So unbelievable…its actually happening. I actually can’t put into words just how I am feeling, the excitement about finially doing it is just too much.  I struggle to find the words!! Happy is an understatement.

So yes that in a nutshell is where we are at at the moment.  Watch this space…exciting things are happening 🙂 🙂 🙂

So in other news we have been spending all our time since before the start of winter doing some fairly big home renovations. We have removed our inwall fireplace, taken the wall out between our lounge and dining room, re jibbed the lounge/dining walls and ceiling, insulated it all and then new paint, we have put in a new freestanding fireplace, we have finished off the kitchen with a new wall of cupboards and added a new bench top, new carpet and vinyl has also gone down. It is looking amazing, like a brand new house. I’ll post some before and after photos once everything has actually been finished. We have just a few more little things that need doing but should be all done in another couple of weeks. Yeah so that is what all our spare time has been going on, along with quite a busy time with church events and family birthdays.  Life is very busy at this time of the year but it has been great as it has kept me occupied while waiting,

So yes that is pretty much where we are at with things, and I will endeavour to keep you all informed of how we go with our next steps in this ever so exciting journey to parenthood.

Lots of love and hugs xx

PS: I am desperately trying to catch up on all your blog posts. I got so far behind but am slowly getting there. Hopefully I can get back to current time and can actually comment on some without them being weeks ago!!

Gone but not forgotten

  

Today I said goodbye to a man that was so more than just my boss for nearly 10 years.  Bob became a friend and I respected him like I would a father. He treated me and saw me more like a daughter than a staff member and has played a massive part in my work life. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to work for.

Bob took a chance on me…a young inexperienced person with very little office and computer skills and a disability to boot. Before that all I knew was how to milk cows. He gave me a go and because of that I discovered and developed skills that I never knew I had. Working for him was never short of a dull moment, he made work life fun and was always there when the pressure was on to get jobs out. If we had to work late then he was always there alongside us. It wasn’t always fun and games but the good times certainly outweighed the bad and I will fondly treasure all those memories. 

My biggest regret is not keeping in touch with Bob and his family after I finished working for him and when his health was failing I never made the effort to keep in contact as I’d planned. I am so gutted and disappointed in myself that I let life get too busy and I just took it for granted that I’d have time. 

Time is something not to take for granted, no one knows the day or the hour. Say what needs to be said, don’t wait. Make time to see the people you love because you don’t know what tomorrow may hold. Say sorry and forgive quickly, don’t hold onto silly offenses because life is too short. 

  

Bob you may be gone but you won’t be forgotten, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did for me, I will be forever grateful. 

RIP ‘ya ole bugger‘ 

A New Excitement

So it’s been rather quiet yet again from myself which actually means all has been ticking along very nicely lately.  I have usually used this blog as a place for me to vent and release pent up feelings but this time I am pleased to say that it is only positive stuff and not even really baby related stuff 🙂

I have just been away to a four day conference in Rotorua for New Life Churches across New Zealand.  It is usually aimed at pastors and leaders of churches but this year they opened it up to anyone and everyone.  I had been looking forward to attending this event mainly for myself as I felt like I was in a valley with my relationship with Jesus and needed something to give me a boost. So four days of brilliant speakers and incredible worship was just the ticket. So since being home from conference and having time to digest and re read over all my notes I am feeling really quite excited and not just excited for myself but for what God is doing in our church movement and in our nation.

I am excited about the future and all that it holds. I feel like my belief in my miracle of walking again has been rebirthed along with a new excitement for the baby which is going to come into our lives.  I also have a new excitement to rekindle my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I have learnt from being away without my husband (unfortunately he was unable to come but I believe that this may have been for a reason) and having to rely on others to help me instead of just him that I have pride in my life that needs to take a hike. So I am needing to learn to be more humble and accept the help of others not because I think I am being a burden on them but because they actually care and love me and want to help. I am fiercely independant and it is hard for me to give up control. So something for me to work on. I also need (and want) to develop my love and grace towards people and see them as God sees them, to look at their hearts and not their habits, look beyond the problems and look at the potential.

Ahh there were just so many good things from conference that I can’t possibly share them all but a couple of things that I really felt were to prepare, to be expectant and to not waste time. Lost time is never found, make every moment count. To have shameless audacity to ask for the BIG things, we serve a BIG God and nothing we ask lies outside of God, it’s time to believe and to ask again.

It is really hard not to apply everything that was spoken about at conference to my own stuff going on but that I also need to be working on myself personally to do my part in reaching lost people and helping change this nation. Because at the end of the day….this is what we are here to do.

Mother’s Day Fail…

Hello all yes I am still here still trucking along but the award for the most terrible blogger has to go to me….um it’s May and I am pretty sure I haven’t blogged at all this year. So an update on how life is…..still not pregnant…..still on the waiting list for IVF…..still waiting for the call up…..still WAITING!!!

It has been a hard year emotionally but trying to keep hope and faith alive and keep telling myself and believing it will be my turn soon.

So what have we been up to…

Adam and I had a relatively quiet Christmas then had a fabulous time away camping with our families. We also celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary in March and had an awesome time away in Melbourne staying with my sister and brother in law.  We saw a couple of live shows: “The Lion King” and “Dirty Dancing” they were absolutely amazing, ate out and just had a great few days of rest and relaxation.

We have started some quite big home renovations…took out a wall which opened up our lounge, dining and kitchen….so much more space now.  However, we decided we should reline all the walls and ceiling with new gib and insulate at the same time….well that sounded easy in theory but whoa its no quick task. We are into our 3rd or is it 4th week of having no lounge or dining to hang out in. Our bedroom has been our hangout which isn’t all that bad. I love bed so it’s been nice spending lots of time in it hehe. Slowly but surely it is coming together.  It’s also been a great distraction for me too, I need something to focus on and keep me busy.

All in all the year has been pretty good but on the other hand it has been my toughest year emotionally, it’s actually been really hard. Our church is having a baby boom and there are pregnancy announcements, baby bumps and new babies everywhere I turn. I don’t know if it just because I want it so much that I am far more aware of it all. It’s like when you buy a new car you then see that same type of car everywhere.

So anyway that pretty much sums up this year in brief.

Sooo my Mother’s Day Fail…

Well usually I am not one to be affected by Mother’s Day, it’s just one day that is all about honouring the Mum’s and I didn’t think this one would be any different. To be honest I really didn’t think much about it all. But…I had a late night, not enough sleep, woke up this morning with a dumb “bloody” gift (of all the freakn days to get my period it had to be today…seriously lousy!), then off to church we go and I’m greeted with stupid technical issues with the computer displays not behaving and not knowing how to fix them, hormones having a field day, trying to hold back the tears that were building up and just wanting to run away from it all and scream plus add in people asking me to get them stuff that I just didn’t have time for….it was all too much. Then get handed the wee Mother’s Day treat that I felt like throwing across the room because I always feel like I’m given it out of pity (which I know is not the case). Anyway, worship starts and I am the one on the computer (down the back of the auditorium thank goodness) doing the song words fighting ever so hard to hold back the tears, but quite a few sneaky ones escaped, keeping my head down avoiding eye contact so no one can see me but also trying to keep focused on the job I was doing. Gah…worse morning ever!! Managed to pull myself together towards the end of the service and snuck away for a few minutes between services only to be discovered by my beautiful, caring friend who threw her arms around me and just hugged me tightly and well that was me…no holding back those tears any more. Flip what an emotional mess. But we had a quick chat and I felt a whole lot better and was actually able to sing and take sermon notes for the next service. Honestly, if I’m not pregnant or have my own baby next mother’s day then I am actually not doing that again, I’m going to boycott church and social media. It was really hard today.

So now that I have been home and had a private emotional breakdown I am feeling quite a lot better. Must have just needed to let out some built up emotions. A good friend of mine reminds me that it’s often coldest right before the dawn and that when you are on the edge of breakthrough that is when it is the toughest. I am so hoping and praying that this is the case and that sometime soon we will walking into our breakthrough. So watch this space…