Big Day part 1 || Update

So the egg retrieval went really well and remarkably easy. I didn’t really have any idea what to expect and was blown away with how quickly the procedure was. The team were amazing. So when we first got there Adam shot off to do his bit and I was taken into a room to get prepped. They gave me a sort of sleeping type tablet that would help me relax and make me a bit dozy. They took my blood pressure which was slightly elevated but I think this was due to nerves about the procedure. I had to get into a hospital type gown and everything. I had no idea it was like a mini operation type scenario. My doctor then came in to put a lure into my hand so they could administer an analgesic drug once in theatre.

We then went down to the theatre room and hopped (well Adam lifted me – it was easier) onto the bed and legs up in the stirrups. Such an attractive position lol. It’s quite a hive of activity in there with nurses and doctors all ready to fulfil their appropriate parts. They then gave me the analgesic drug and oh boy was that a good feeling…I felt like I was floating around the room. But still with it enough to know fully what was going on. Then all of a sudden they were extracting and I heard “yes one egg”, then two, three and four and it was all over.

So the 7 follicles on my right ovary hadn’t grown much at all since my last scan and they didn’t get any eggs from them and of the 5 follicles on my left ovary they got 4 eggs. So over all that probably wasn’t a hugely successful retrieval. But Adam and I prayed beforehand and leading up to the procedure that God would just take over and control exactly how many He would have us get. So I was stocked and was praying that they would all get fertilized. Just before the start of the retrieval the lab technician came into the theatre and said to Adam that for some reason his sample had produced very low motility and asked if he might be able to do another one!!! Poor guy but what a machine…he is a legend. After we were in recovery (which was like half an hour after his first sample) off he went to try again. He came back looking rather drained lol and moments later the nurse came in to say that this one was awesome!! Phew, what a relief for the poor guy. We spent another half and hour or so in recovery, had something to eat and drink and then we were on our way. I felt amazing. Once home I slept for a couple of hours and after waking up felt a little tender down below which is understandable…the length of that needle punching through my nether regions…ahhh the things we do. It will all be worth it.

We were told the nurse would ring me in the morning to let us know how the fertilization process went. I just kept praying and believing God for the right number He would have for us. That night I didn’t sleep very well. I had awful dreams about receiving the phone call and them telling me that none of the eggs fertilized and that we were back at square one. I have no idea why I was dreaming like that but in the morning I just prayed and read and covered myself with positive thoughts and tried not to think of it.

Then once at work I had something to focus on until just after 9am my mobile rang…man my heart stopped I was so nervous as to what the results were going to be.

FOUR FERTLIZED EGGS !!!! We have four embabies!!! Waaaa I got off the phone and just cried I was soooo elated. Thank you Jesus. I then phoned my mum and she could hardly understand me. I actually cannot describe the feeling, there are no words. It is so surreal knowing that at this very moment there are microscopic cells of myself and Adam that are the very beginning of life. Excited just doesn’t even come close, I just love them already and have been praying for them all day.

So the next big thing is the transfer…this is taking place on Saturday morning. What a crazy day that is going to be. Waking up that morning and heading off to go get pregnant…waaaaah it’s just too much. Yeah so that was a long update but we are so happy with the results and going forward to the next leg of this adventure.

Big thanks to everyone for your prayers and support, I really do appreciate you all cheering us on.

Big big hugs from us and our 4 embabies xxxx

Us after the retrieval…I look wasted as 🙂

Big Day part 1

We have reached the stage of our IVF adventure where we actually get to make our babies. Excitement is beyond words!! But lets back track just a tad and here is an update of how things have gone:

Tuesday 24th November: Day one of my cycle…after a looooong and rather impatient wait my period finally came! I even took a pregnancy test because it had taken longer than usual to come.

Wednesday 25th November: Day two I started 150mg of Gonal F injections into my abdomen. This medication was supplied in an epi pen type system and was super easy to administer and I hardly felt a thing. Some (or most probably) of that is due to not having complete and full feeling over my tummy – no complaints here haha. Both Adam and I had to take 2 Azithromycin tablets as well.

Sunday 29th November: Day six I then had to introduce another injection along with the Gonal F. 250mg of Orgalutran – this one came in an individual syringe and was an ever so slightly bigger needle which made it a bit more of a push to get it though my skin. This medication also felt uncomfortable going in as well as after it had been injected too. However, I had discovered that the right side of my tummy had slightly less feeling than my left so I just stuck to that side for that one and the Gonal F on the left 🙂

Tuesday 1st December: Day 8 I had a blood test and scan to see how my follicles were coming along. So my right ovary had 7 medium size follies measuring between 8 and 9mm and my left ovary had 5 medium size follies measuring the same. Plus they both had a few smaller ones as well. I got the impression from the doctor and nurses that this was perhaps on the low/small side but when they got my blood results back they were really happy with what all my levels were. I continued daily injections of Gonal F and Orgalutran.

Friday 4th December: Day 11 I had another blood test and scan. My right ovary follies hadn’t grown a big amount. The 7 were measuring 11mm but the 5 on my left ovary had grown to between 16 and 18mm which they were really happy with.

Saturday 5th December: Day 12 I stopped the 2 daily injections and administered the trigger shot at precisely 10:15pm ready for egg collection on Monday 5th….TODAY!!!

I haven’t had any side effects of any of the drugs and the only discomfort I have had was a couple of nights I had a dull ache around what I assumed was my loaded right ovary but other than that it has been going fabulously.

Any prayers are greatly received as we soldier on with our baby making adventure. We both are continuing to give this journey over to God and pray that His hand is on everything we do.

Love and hugs

Kara xx

PS: just a friendly reminder to please keep this info to yourselves xx

 

Mother’s Day Fail…

Hello all yes I am still here still trucking along but the award for the most terrible blogger has to go to me….um it’s May and I am pretty sure I haven’t blogged at all this year. So an update on how life is…..still not pregnant…..still on the waiting list for IVF…..still waiting for the call up…..still WAITING!!!

It has been a hard year emotionally but trying to keep hope and faith alive and keep telling myself and believing it will be my turn soon.

So what have we been up to…

Adam and I had a relatively quiet Christmas then had a fabulous time away camping with our families. We also celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary in March and had an awesome time away in Melbourne staying with my sister and brother in law.  We saw a couple of live shows: “The Lion King” and “Dirty Dancing” they were absolutely amazing, ate out and just had a great few days of rest and relaxation.

We have started some quite big home renovations…took out a wall which opened up our lounge, dining and kitchen….so much more space now.  However, we decided we should reline all the walls and ceiling with new gib and insulate at the same time….well that sounded easy in theory but whoa its no quick task. We are into our 3rd or is it 4th week of having no lounge or dining to hang out in. Our bedroom has been our hangout which isn’t all that bad. I love bed so it’s been nice spending lots of time in it hehe. Slowly but surely it is coming together.  It’s also been a great distraction for me too, I need something to focus on and keep me busy.

All in all the year has been pretty good but on the other hand it has been my toughest year emotionally, it’s actually been really hard. Our church is having a baby boom and there are pregnancy announcements, baby bumps and new babies everywhere I turn. I don’t know if it just because I want it so much that I am far more aware of it all. It’s like when you buy a new car you then see that same type of car everywhere.

So anyway that pretty much sums up this year in brief.

Sooo my Mother’s Day Fail…

Well usually I am not one to be affected by Mother’s Day, it’s just one day that is all about honouring the Mum’s and I didn’t think this one would be any different. To be honest I really didn’t think much about it all. But…I had a late night, not enough sleep, woke up this morning with a dumb “bloody” gift (of all the freakn days to get my period it had to be today…seriously lousy!), then off to church we go and I’m greeted with stupid technical issues with the computer displays not behaving and not knowing how to fix them, hormones having a field day, trying to hold back the tears that were building up and just wanting to run away from it all and scream plus add in people asking me to get them stuff that I just didn’t have time for….it was all too much. Then get handed the wee Mother’s Day treat that I felt like throwing across the room because I always feel like I’m given it out of pity (which I know is not the case). Anyway, worship starts and I am the one on the computer (down the back of the auditorium thank goodness) doing the song words fighting ever so hard to hold back the tears, but quite a few sneaky ones escaped, keeping my head down avoiding eye contact so no one can see me but also trying to keep focused on the job I was doing. Gah…worse morning ever!! Managed to pull myself together towards the end of the service and snuck away for a few minutes between services only to be discovered by my beautiful, caring friend who threw her arms around me and just hugged me tightly and well that was me…no holding back those tears any more. Flip what an emotional mess. But we had a quick chat and I felt a whole lot better and was actually able to sing and take sermon notes for the next service. Honestly, if I’m not pregnant or have my own baby next mother’s day then I am actually not doing that again, I’m going to boycott church and social media. It was really hard today.

So now that I have been home and had a private emotional breakdown I am feeling quite a lot better. Must have just needed to let out some built up emotions. A good friend of mine reminds me that it’s often coldest right before the dawn and that when you are on the edge of breakthrough that is when it is the toughest. I am so hoping and praying that this is the case and that sometime soon we will walking into our breakthrough. So watch this space…

Exodus 23:25-26

I have a ‘read the bible in one year’ bible that is set out into 365 daily readings and I am trying my best to keep up with it daily. I am only one day behind at the moment so I just read yesterday’s and I wanted to share this verse that jumped out to me:

“You must serve only the lord your God. If you do, I will bless you with food and water, and I will protect you from illness. There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives. (Exodus 23:25, 26)

I find it rather uncanny that I would read a verse like this today….a day when I am feeling at a loss about life and all that blah blah. And I am reminded (yet again!) that I only need to keep my eyes firmly fixed on Him. He will provid all that I need, I just need to keep serving Him wholeheartedly and He will carry me through. Praise the Lord!! Seriously, how do people go through this life without Jesus and the knowing that He got this!!

Where has the spark gone?

Good question! When did it actually happen? And not just one spark but 2….the spark of life and the spark of romance has disappeared. I find myself still going through the motions of life doing what needs to be done, putting on my everything is going wonderfully mask. I know it’s the enemy trying to suck the life and soul out of me but for some reason I just don’t have the energy or willpower to fight back. This doesn’t happen, usually I am a fighter and stubborn to the end not to let anyone or anything take me down. Where has my fight gone? Why has my fight gone? And how can I get it back?

So many questions so few answers. I know I should share with my husband about how I’m feeling and what’s going on inside of my head but I don’t know how to start. How do I tell him that I am unhappy with our life (at the moment), I’m unhappy with our marriage (at the moment) and that I’m unhappy with the lack of intimacy between us. How do I share that with the person I am meant to share my whole life with. Does anyone else ever find themselves in places of boredom?

How do you keep love fresh and alive?  How do you bring fun back into sex and not just about baby making? But really what is even the point in having sex when it doesn’t result in what you are trying for anyway….what is the point. The fun of it has gone, it’s been too consumed with timing and ovulation and now it seems to be a chore or actually not at all.

I feel like I’m stuck in a desert, wandering alone by myself with stupid thoughts going round and round over and over. God where are you? Help me out of this pit.

UPDATE to this post…

Adam and I have spoken….finally.  I showed him this post and it helped to get the conversation going so now we are all on the same page and boy does it help when everything is out in the open.  I feel like I can jump back into this journey with my best friend right beside me and Jesus right in front leading the way.  Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support xx

I Have a Staring Problem

I am re blogging this post from a dear friend who I follow. Her posts always give me such encouragement and this particular one really spoke to me and where I have been at lately. I think I needed to get out how I was feeling to then allow myself to refocus and get back on track. Time for me to kick the chair legs out from under Satan and smash the chair around his head. I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and His perfectly timed plan for my life. I heard on the radio yesterday about how we need to stop and bask in the bigness off God. God took Abraham out to look at the stars and it was there that he realised just how big God actually was. And in doing so the giant or giants that are in your life no longer appear so big after all. God is bigger than anything I (or you) are going through. So keep your eyes focused on God and not the problem (or the chair) and go out and stare at the stars tonight (I did last night but there was none!)

Waiting for Baby Bird Ministries

I have come to realize that I have this problem. Well actually, I have known about it for a while. My husband always points it out to me when we are waiting for a table at our favorite restaurant or walking through the mall. Or Target. Or the parking lot. Or sitting in the doctor’s office. Or even putting the groceries into the car. I always laugh him off and respond by saying “I can’t help it”.

But lately I have realized that my staring problem extends far beyond the couple arguing in the corner of the restaurant or the mother disciplining her child as she puts them in their car seat. It’s deeper than staring at the teenage girl yelling at her boyfriend or the child throwing a fit in the doctor’s office.  You see, I like to stare at chairs. I know…it’s weird. But stick with me…

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Stuck in a Funk!

I started writing my missing in action post a wee while ago but just haven’t gotten around to finishing it and can’t seem to get my head in writing about all the fun stuff I have been up to over last couple of months because of this funk I am stuck in and can’t seem to climb out of.  So this will be out of order but I just feel the need to get what’s on the inside out…..so if you are looking for some kind of positive and uplifting post then I suggest you stop reading!

The start of a new year….meant to be full of wonder and excitement, what new things lie ahead, what goals to set and aim for, what challenges to tackle blah blah blah but for this down and out barrenness individual I enter the new year with waiting and wondering if this is the year, will this be my year, the year that all my waiting comes to an end, the year that sees my faith and hope fulfilled or will it just be another year that ticks on by, another year of doing the same stuff just on a different day, another year of waiting, hoping, longing, praying and pleading with God.

I should be excited as we are now that little bit closer to reaching the top of the waiting list for starting IVF treatment but I’m not and I don’t know why. I am stuck in my own little pity party of whys and how comes. Why does someone get to have their 7th baby and I have none, why does that couple decide to try for a baby and then boom just like that it happens after doing it once, why do so many young girls who aren’t ready for babies end up with babies or worse get rid of them, why does someone who doesn’t even want a baby gets pregnant yet someone who desperately does want one can’t.

What if this year is going to be like every other year, what if nothing ever changes. What is the point in it all. I feel like if I can’t be a mum then what am I even here for. If I’m not going to be a part of the parenting world then what. And at this point and time my whole world is hanging on whether or not we will have a baby, I’m consumed by it. The desperation and longing aches and when I think about it too much I get all emotional. I’m not normally like this at all, I usually have the odd down day but then I am able to pick myself back up and carry on. I am generally so positive taking everything in my stride. But this time I just can’t seem to shake it. God doesn’t seem to be there, I’ve been praying and reading my bible but getting nothing. I feel alone, even though I know I’m not. My head tells me all the things I should be doing but my heart just doesn’t want to jump on board.

I’m just so emotional I hate it. Some little thought will pop in and it can bring on the tears. I was crying washing the dishes tonight then got frustrated at myself so took it out my floor and cupboard doors then sobbed again cleaning the microwave then got angry at my bathroom then pulled myself together because Adam was due home and I didn’t want him to see me like that. He just doesn’t get it. I wish I could be more like him, happy to just go through the motions of life doing the same old same old….get up, go to work, come home, tidy up (or not), have tea, watch tv, go to bed and repeat. Throw in church, a few meetings, some family events and there is our year. I want some kids in that mix and before I’m an old granny too.  I turned 32 in November and the biological clock is ticking which doesn’t help and I keep thinking about what IVF doesn’t work for us, we only have a 50/50 chance (I know I know my God is bigger than those odds) but what if it’s not in God’s plan, what if we are hearing wrong, what if it will never happen. It’s so tiring trying to keep hope alive and faith strong.

I had a night away camping with my mum and younger siblings last week (camping is my happy place) and I came away feeling so much better. Had a good mum talk and felt like I had kicked this funk in the face but welcome in the new week and the funk is still there…gah!! WHY WON’T YOU JUST GO AWAY!!!

You never know, maybe tomorrow is the day that I wake up feeling my normal positive self again.

And also for those that carried on reading, thanks for listening but please know that I’m not sharing any of this for any other reason but get my feelings out, I don’t need any sympathy because I will probably just end up in a blubbering mess. I got myself into this and I’m sure with God’s help I will pull myself out again but any prayers will be gratefully received.

Early Pregnancy or Pre-Period Symptoms

Well this image pretty much sums up my last TWW!!  I haven’t for a long long time let myself over analyse these waiting times but this last one well it totally took over and consumed almost every waking moment. You see I had been really pushing into God and seeking Him a whole lot more these past weeks and I kept getting things like “don’t give up” “hang in there” etc so I was super excited and was praying and hoping more than usual that maybe just maybe this was going to be the month for us! (Check out my previous post about my hearing from God encouragements: 49-and-counting). I knew when I was ovulating and DH and I made sure we BD’d at the right time before, during and after ovulation. And because of my excitement and anticipation of thinking this could be the time I totally over analysed every little symptom I was feeling.

I had tender boobs the whole time, normally this only happens a few days before AF is due to arrive. I also had lower back ache after ovulation which I haven’t had before and I have a friend who has that as her first symptom of pregnancy even before she has done a test. I also was sure I had what I thought was implantation pain. Oh yes and I even had a couple of random waves of nausea. So needless to say this is why I thought it was to be the time for us. I even got to CD30 and decided to take a pregnancy test……BFN.

That was the longest two week wait I have had for years. I normally don’t let myself get carried away with symptom analysing and I certainly wont be rushing to do that again. It totally consumed me…I woke up thinking about baby stuff and throughout the day I hate to think how many thoughts ran through my mind.  Everything from nursery ideas to how we were going to announce it to what pregnancy photography shoots I want done to baby names….you name it anything to do babies and pregnancy was running through my mind. Boy, I’m sure I am going to be like the energizer bunny when I do actually get a BFP.

Even though it wasn’t the result I was eagerly waiting for I am ok with that. It was fun imagining what it might be like but I’m not going to let myself get carried away again, need to drop it back a gear or five because I just don’t think it’s that healthy 🙂

So I will just go back to baby dancing at the right times and then ‘try’ to forget about it until I realise that it has been a really long time since my last period….easier said than done.

Anyway, on a totally different subject….

MY BIRTHDAY is coming up on Friday and I am kicking off birthday celebrations tomorrow night….it’s going to be a weekend of all things birthday.  I love birthday week 🙂

49 and counting!!

There must be something in the water but certainly not the water hole I’m drinking from unfortunately.  I have had in the last 4 weeks 3 “we’re pregnant” announcements….2 of which were within 24hours of each other. Flip, talk about testing one’s ability to put on a brave face. However, don’t get me wrong I am truly happy for these people and am thankful that they have been able to conceive but man if I am honest it really really hurts. I just sit there and think to myself “I wonder what that feels like” to take a pregnancy test and actually see 2 lines instead of only ever seeing one!! The excitement of telling your husband when he gets home from work or planning how you are going to announce to the world your amazing news.

Well anyway I’m not one to dwell on things like that for too long as it doesn’t change anything but it got me thinking…I just wonder how many of those announcements I have had to hear over the 9 or so years we have been trying to conceive:

49!!! Forty Nine!!! That to me seems like lots!!! It’s approximately one announcement every 2.3 months over the nine years!!! If my maths works out correctly of course LOL. (These are just from family, friends and workmates)

But it’s ok and I’m ok because my God has an amazingly awesome plan for us and our future family and when it happens it is going to be amazingly awesome!! God has been speaking to me quite clearly lately and I was sharing this with a friend of mine who heads up our Women’s Ministry at church and she asked if I would be a guest writer for her Women’s Weekly Word that goes out to a whole lot of ladies in our church and beyond. So I thought I would leave with you what I wrote because it might just encourage someone out there in the world that happens to be reading my blog:

Are you hearing from God?

If someone asked me that a month ago I would have had to say “No!” To be honest I can’t actually remember if I have ever really without a doubt clearly heard from God. When I open up God’s Word I always pray before hand that I would have an open heart and ears to hear what God would like to say to me but nothing, zilch, nudda! Sometimes there would be verses that would stick out but they didn’t seem obvious enough to be from God. Surely when God speaks to you it will be on a massive sign with bright flashing lights so you knew it was actually from Him, right!! Ha if only.

I have been on a very long journey of seeking God for a breakthrough in my life. I have had ups and downs, highs and lows, feeling full of faith and positive and then feeling like I’m at the bottom of a pit with no way out. It’s like a rollercoaster….good thing I absolutely love rollercoaster’s haha. I have tried my best to embrace this journey that God has me on and to be as positive and joyful as I can throughout it but it certainly hasn’t been easy. And it certainly isn’t easy when you feel like God is nowhere to be found.

James 4:8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” so that is what I have been doing lately. Really trying to seek God more than I have before and He has been coming through for me which is super encouraging. In doing so I have learnt that God will not give me the big flashing sign that I was hoping for but instead it has been through more subtle means but I just know it is Him.

The enemy will try and do anything and everything to make you question and doubt but you need to come against that and believe that it is God, don’t let the devil rob you of what God wants to say to you.

God has been saying to me this month is to not give up and to keep on hanging in and in the word’s of Eddie “you’re 30^th year is coming” (I will elaborate to my friends out in the world as you wouldn’t have heard this man share his testimony at church a couple weeks ago…Eddie shared how Abraham Lincoln tried and failed for 29 years to get into parliament and it wasn’t until his 30 year that he succeeded in becoming president). I’m sure everyone one of us will have some kind battle, situation or obstacle that you are journeying through right now and I want to encourage you to hang in there. God has it all in control and no matter how hopeless it seems He will work it together for His good.

Proverbs 3:5-6 – ⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; ⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

God loves you, He sees every tear you cry every heart break you feel and every sorrow you know, He can and will make a way where there is no way. The process may be painful but the result will be worth it. Hang on! Don’t give up! Instead believe and ask for wisdom, guidance and grace. Get into the Word, listen to sermons and be seeking wisdom. God is working in your life right now and when you get your breakthrough, it will be the result of what He has been doing for a long time. Whether you see it or feel it or not, keep praying and expecting because God is longing to be gracious and good to you.

So ladies dig in and ask God for the strength to keep on keeping on….you can do it, you’re 30^th year is coming!!

Love

Kara

Nervous and Excited

Well here I sit with a nervous yet excited bubble that has been building within me for a week or so now…it is the eve of our first consultation appointment with the Fertility Associates. I ask myself what it is that is making me feel nervous and a little anxious….and I guess it’s really just the unknown….what is the consultant going to be like (she is a woman so that is something I am pleased about), what kind of things are they going to ask, are we going to find out what kind of treatment they want to try, are we going to come away with a positive plan of action, or come away with information overload and not remember anything….gaaah!

However, I think if I am really honest it is the fact that I have a disability that is making me the most nervous.  Not that being a paraplegic has anything to do with my fertility but have they ever dealt with anyone in a wheelchair before, are they going to look at me differently or treat me differently. In my head I know that they will handle our situation with the same respect as any able bodied client but it certainly isn’t going to be the normal for them. I don’t know why I let my disability affect me, it doesn’t define who I am.  I’m more than just ‘the girl in the wheelchair’ but sometimes it seems to (or I let it) overtake my confidence. I don’t know why I do that. Just my silly little insecurities that crop up every now and again.

But putting that nervousness aside I actually can’t wait to find out what it’s all going to be about,. Another step closer to our little footsteps, that is the exciting part!!  So I will be sure to let you all know how we get on. It will more than likely be in a couple of days time as our appointment is late afternoon and afterwards we are going to be going out for tea to celebrate darling husbands 32nd birthday with some family at our all time favourite restaurant…LONE STAR.

Before I go I just want to pray, “Lord, I want to commit our appointment into your hands and ask that You go before us and prepare the way that everything will go smoothly and according to Your plan.  Your ways are higher than my ways and I only want what you want. Thank you Jesus and I ask that you would use us for your glory and we go through this IVF adventure, in Jesus Name, Amen”