Stuck in a Funk!

I started writing my missing in action post a wee while ago but just haven’t gotten around to finishing it and can’t seem to get my head in writing about all the fun stuff I have been up to over last couple of months because of this funk I am stuck in and can’t seem to climb out of.  So this will be out of order but I just feel the need to get what’s on the inside out…..so if you are looking for some kind of positive and uplifting post then I suggest you stop reading!

The start of a new year….meant to be full of wonder and excitement, what new things lie ahead, what goals to set and aim for, what challenges to tackle blah blah blah but for this down and out barrenness individual I enter the new year with waiting and wondering if this is the year, will this be my year, the year that all my waiting comes to an end, the year that sees my faith and hope fulfilled or will it just be another year that ticks on by, another year of doing the same stuff just on a different day, another year of waiting, hoping, longing, praying and pleading with God.

I should be excited as we are now that little bit closer to reaching the top of the waiting list for starting IVF treatment but I’m not and I don’t know why. I am stuck in my own little pity party of whys and how comes. Why does someone get to have their 7th baby and I have none, why does that couple decide to try for a baby and then boom just like that it happens after doing it once, why do so many young girls who aren’t ready for babies end up with babies or worse get rid of them, why does someone who doesn’t even want a baby gets pregnant yet someone who desperately does want one can’t.

What if this year is going to be like every other year, what if nothing ever changes. What is the point in it all. I feel like if I can’t be a mum then what am I even here for. If I’m not going to be a part of the parenting world then what. And at this point and time my whole world is hanging on whether or not we will have a baby, I’m consumed by it. The desperation and longing aches and when I think about it too much I get all emotional. I’m not normally like this at all, I usually have the odd down day but then I am able to pick myself back up and carry on. I am generally so positive taking everything in my stride. But this time I just can’t seem to shake it. God doesn’t seem to be there, I’ve been praying and reading my bible but getting nothing. I feel alone, even though I know I’m not. My head tells me all the things I should be doing but my heart just doesn’t want to jump on board.

I’m just so emotional I hate it. Some little thought will pop in and it can bring on the tears. I was crying washing the dishes tonight then got frustrated at myself so took it out my floor and cupboard doors then sobbed again cleaning the microwave then got angry at my bathroom then pulled myself together because Adam was due home and I didn’t want him to see me like that. He just doesn’t get it. I wish I could be more like him, happy to just go through the motions of life doing the same old same old….get up, go to work, come home, tidy up (or not), have tea, watch tv, go to bed and repeat. Throw in church, a few meetings, some family events and there is our year. I want some kids in that mix and before I’m an old granny too.  I turned 32 in November and the biological clock is ticking which doesn’t help and I keep thinking about what IVF doesn’t work for us, we only have a 50/50 chance (I know I know my God is bigger than those odds) but what if it’s not in God’s plan, what if we are hearing wrong, what if it will never happen. It’s so tiring trying to keep hope alive and faith strong.

I had a night away camping with my mum and younger siblings last week (camping is my happy place) and I came away feeling so much better. Had a good mum talk and felt like I had kicked this funk in the face but welcome in the new week and the funk is still there…gah!! WHY WON’T YOU JUST GO AWAY!!!

You never know, maybe tomorrow is the day that I wake up feeling my normal positive self again.

And also for those that carried on reading, thanks for listening but please know that I’m not sharing any of this for any other reason but get my feelings out, I don’t need any sympathy because I will probably just end up in a blubbering mess. I got myself into this and I’m sure with God’s help I will pull myself out again but any prayers will be gratefully received.