Big Day part 1

We have reached the stage of our IVF adventure where we actually get to make our babies. Excitement is beyond words!! But lets back track just a tad and here is an update of how things have gone:

Tuesday 24th November: Day one of my cycle…after a looooong and rather impatient wait my period finally came! I even took a pregnancy test because it had taken longer than usual to come.

Wednesday 25th November: Day two I started 150mg of Gonal F injections into my abdomen. This medication was supplied in an epi pen type system and was super easy to administer and I hardly felt a thing. Some (or most probably) of that is due to not having complete and full feeling over my tummy – no complaints here haha. Both Adam and I had to take 2 Azithromycin tablets as well.

Sunday 29th November: Day six I then had to introduce another injection along with the Gonal F. 250mg of Orgalutran – this one came in an individual syringe and was an ever so slightly bigger needle which made it a bit more of a push to get it though my skin. This medication also felt uncomfortable going in as well as after it had been injected too. However, I had discovered that the right side of my tummy had slightly less feeling than my left so I just stuck to that side for that one and the Gonal F on the left 🙂

Tuesday 1st December: Day 8 I had a blood test and scan to see how my follicles were coming along. So my right ovary had 7 medium size follies measuring between 8 and 9mm and my left ovary had 5 medium size follies measuring the same. Plus they both had a few smaller ones as well. I got the impression from the doctor and nurses that this was perhaps on the low/small side but when they got my blood results back they were really happy with what all my levels were. I continued daily injections of Gonal F and Orgalutran.

Friday 4th December: Day 11 I had another blood test and scan. My right ovary follies hadn’t grown a big amount. The 7 were measuring 11mm but the 5 on my left ovary had grown to between 16 and 18mm which they were really happy with.

Saturday 5th December: Day 12 I stopped the 2 daily injections and administered the trigger shot at precisely 10:15pm ready for egg collection on Monday 5th….TODAY!!!

I haven’t had any side effects of any of the drugs and the only discomfort I have had was a couple of nights I had a dull ache around what I assumed was my loaded right ovary but other than that it has been going fabulously.

Any prayers are greatly received as we soldier on with our baby making adventure. We both are continuing to give this journey over to God and pray that His hand is on everything we do.

Love and hugs

Kara xx

PS: just a friendly reminder to please keep this info to yourselves xx

 

I Have a Staring Problem

I am re blogging this post from a dear friend who I follow. Her posts always give me such encouragement and this particular one really spoke to me and where I have been at lately. I think I needed to get out how I was feeling to then allow myself to refocus and get back on track. Time for me to kick the chair legs out from under Satan and smash the chair around his head. I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and His perfectly timed plan for my life. I heard on the radio yesterday about how we need to stop and bask in the bigness off God. God took Abraham out to look at the stars and it was there that he realised just how big God actually was. And in doing so the giant or giants that are in your life no longer appear so big after all. God is bigger than anything I (or you) are going through. So keep your eyes focused on God and not the problem (or the chair) and go out and stare at the stars tonight (I did last night but there was none!)

Waiting for Baby Bird Ministries

I have come to realize that I have this problem. Well actually, I have known about it for a while. My husband always points it out to me when we are waiting for a table at our favorite restaurant or walking through the mall. Or Target. Or the parking lot. Or sitting in the doctor’s office. Or even putting the groceries into the car. I always laugh him off and respond by saying “I can’t help it”.

But lately I have realized that my staring problem extends far beyond the couple arguing in the corner of the restaurant or the mother disciplining her child as she puts them in their car seat. It’s deeper than staring at the teenage girl yelling at her boyfriend or the child throwing a fit in the doctor’s office.  You see, I like to stare at chairs. I know…it’s weird. But stick with me…

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Stuck in a Funk!

I started writing my missing in action post a wee while ago but just haven’t gotten around to finishing it and can’t seem to get my head in writing about all the fun stuff I have been up to over last couple of months because of this funk I am stuck in and can’t seem to climb out of.  So this will be out of order but I just feel the need to get what’s on the inside out…..so if you are looking for some kind of positive and uplifting post then I suggest you stop reading!

The start of a new year….meant to be full of wonder and excitement, what new things lie ahead, what goals to set and aim for, what challenges to tackle blah blah blah but for this down and out barrenness individual I enter the new year with waiting and wondering if this is the year, will this be my year, the year that all my waiting comes to an end, the year that sees my faith and hope fulfilled or will it just be another year that ticks on by, another year of doing the same stuff just on a different day, another year of waiting, hoping, longing, praying and pleading with God.

I should be excited as we are now that little bit closer to reaching the top of the waiting list for starting IVF treatment but I’m not and I don’t know why. I am stuck in my own little pity party of whys and how comes. Why does someone get to have their 7th baby and I have none, why does that couple decide to try for a baby and then boom just like that it happens after doing it once, why do so many young girls who aren’t ready for babies end up with babies or worse get rid of them, why does someone who doesn’t even want a baby gets pregnant yet someone who desperately does want one can’t.

What if this year is going to be like every other year, what if nothing ever changes. What is the point in it all. I feel like if I can’t be a mum then what am I even here for. If I’m not going to be a part of the parenting world then what. And at this point and time my whole world is hanging on whether or not we will have a baby, I’m consumed by it. The desperation and longing aches and when I think about it too much I get all emotional. I’m not normally like this at all, I usually have the odd down day but then I am able to pick myself back up and carry on. I am generally so positive taking everything in my stride. But this time I just can’t seem to shake it. God doesn’t seem to be there, I’ve been praying and reading my bible but getting nothing. I feel alone, even though I know I’m not. My head tells me all the things I should be doing but my heart just doesn’t want to jump on board.

I’m just so emotional I hate it. Some little thought will pop in and it can bring on the tears. I was crying washing the dishes tonight then got frustrated at myself so took it out my floor and cupboard doors then sobbed again cleaning the microwave then got angry at my bathroom then pulled myself together because Adam was due home and I didn’t want him to see me like that. He just doesn’t get it. I wish I could be more like him, happy to just go through the motions of life doing the same old same old….get up, go to work, come home, tidy up (or not), have tea, watch tv, go to bed and repeat. Throw in church, a few meetings, some family events and there is our year. I want some kids in that mix and before I’m an old granny too.  I turned 32 in November and the biological clock is ticking which doesn’t help and I keep thinking about what IVF doesn’t work for us, we only have a 50/50 chance (I know I know my God is bigger than those odds) but what if it’s not in God’s plan, what if we are hearing wrong, what if it will never happen. It’s so tiring trying to keep hope alive and faith strong.

I had a night away camping with my mum and younger siblings last week (camping is my happy place) and I came away feeling so much better. Had a good mum talk and felt like I had kicked this funk in the face but welcome in the new week and the funk is still there…gah!! WHY WON’T YOU JUST GO AWAY!!!

You never know, maybe tomorrow is the day that I wake up feeling my normal positive self again.

And also for those that carried on reading, thanks for listening but please know that I’m not sharing any of this for any other reason but get my feelings out, I don’t need any sympathy because I will probably just end up in a blubbering mess. I got myself into this and I’m sure with God’s help I will pull myself out again but any prayers will be gratefully received.

Early Pregnancy or Pre-Period Symptoms

Well this image pretty much sums up my last TWW!!  I haven’t for a long long time let myself over analyse these waiting times but this last one well it totally took over and consumed almost every waking moment. You see I had been really pushing into God and seeking Him a whole lot more these past weeks and I kept getting things like “don’t give up” “hang in there” etc so I was super excited and was praying and hoping more than usual that maybe just maybe this was going to be the month for us! (Check out my previous post about my hearing from God encouragements: 49-and-counting). I knew when I was ovulating and DH and I made sure we BD’d at the right time before, during and after ovulation. And because of my excitement and anticipation of thinking this could be the time I totally over analysed every little symptom I was feeling.

I had tender boobs the whole time, normally this only happens a few days before AF is due to arrive. I also had lower back ache after ovulation which I haven’t had before and I have a friend who has that as her first symptom of pregnancy even before she has done a test. I also was sure I had what I thought was implantation pain. Oh yes and I even had a couple of random waves of nausea. So needless to say this is why I thought it was to be the time for us. I even got to CD30 and decided to take a pregnancy test……BFN.

That was the longest two week wait I have had for years. I normally don’t let myself get carried away with symptom analysing and I certainly wont be rushing to do that again. It totally consumed me…I woke up thinking about baby stuff and throughout the day I hate to think how many thoughts ran through my mind.  Everything from nursery ideas to how we were going to announce it to what pregnancy photography shoots I want done to baby names….you name it anything to do babies and pregnancy was running through my mind. Boy, I’m sure I am going to be like the energizer bunny when I do actually get a BFP.

Even though it wasn’t the result I was eagerly waiting for I am ok with that. It was fun imagining what it might be like but I’m not going to let myself get carried away again, need to drop it back a gear or five because I just don’t think it’s that healthy 🙂

So I will just go back to baby dancing at the right times and then ‘try’ to forget about it until I realise that it has been a really long time since my last period….easier said than done.

Anyway, on a totally different subject….

MY BIRTHDAY is coming up on Friday and I am kicking off birthday celebrations tomorrow night….it’s going to be a weekend of all things birthday.  I love birthday week 🙂

49 and counting!!

There must be something in the water but certainly not the water hole I’m drinking from unfortunately.  I have had in the last 4 weeks 3 “we’re pregnant” announcements….2 of which were within 24hours of each other. Flip, talk about testing one’s ability to put on a brave face. However, don’t get me wrong I am truly happy for these people and am thankful that they have been able to conceive but man if I am honest it really really hurts. I just sit there and think to myself “I wonder what that feels like” to take a pregnancy test and actually see 2 lines instead of only ever seeing one!! The excitement of telling your husband when he gets home from work or planning how you are going to announce to the world your amazing news.

Well anyway I’m not one to dwell on things like that for too long as it doesn’t change anything but it got me thinking…I just wonder how many of those announcements I have had to hear over the 9 or so years we have been trying to conceive:

49!!! Forty Nine!!! That to me seems like lots!!! It’s approximately one announcement every 2.3 months over the nine years!!! If my maths works out correctly of course LOL. (These are just from family, friends and workmates)

But it’s ok and I’m ok because my God has an amazingly awesome plan for us and our future family and when it happens it is going to be amazingly awesome!! God has been speaking to me quite clearly lately and I was sharing this with a friend of mine who heads up our Women’s Ministry at church and she asked if I would be a guest writer for her Women’s Weekly Word that goes out to a whole lot of ladies in our church and beyond. So I thought I would leave with you what I wrote because it might just encourage someone out there in the world that happens to be reading my blog:

Are you hearing from God?

If someone asked me that a month ago I would have had to say “No!” To be honest I can’t actually remember if I have ever really without a doubt clearly heard from God. When I open up God’s Word I always pray before hand that I would have an open heart and ears to hear what God would like to say to me but nothing, zilch, nudda! Sometimes there would be verses that would stick out but they didn’t seem obvious enough to be from God. Surely when God speaks to you it will be on a massive sign with bright flashing lights so you knew it was actually from Him, right!! Ha if only.

I have been on a very long journey of seeking God for a breakthrough in my life. I have had ups and downs, highs and lows, feeling full of faith and positive and then feeling like I’m at the bottom of a pit with no way out. It’s like a rollercoaster….good thing I absolutely love rollercoaster’s haha. I have tried my best to embrace this journey that God has me on and to be as positive and joyful as I can throughout it but it certainly hasn’t been easy. And it certainly isn’t easy when you feel like God is nowhere to be found.

James 4:8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” so that is what I have been doing lately. Really trying to seek God more than I have before and He has been coming through for me which is super encouraging. In doing so I have learnt that God will not give me the big flashing sign that I was hoping for but instead it has been through more subtle means but I just know it is Him.

The enemy will try and do anything and everything to make you question and doubt but you need to come against that and believe that it is God, don’t let the devil rob you of what God wants to say to you.

God has been saying to me this month is to not give up and to keep on hanging in and in the word’s of Eddie “you’re 30^th year is coming” (I will elaborate to my friends out in the world as you wouldn’t have heard this man share his testimony at church a couple weeks ago…Eddie shared how Abraham Lincoln tried and failed for 29 years to get into parliament and it wasn’t until his 30 year that he succeeded in becoming president). I’m sure everyone one of us will have some kind battle, situation or obstacle that you are journeying through right now and I want to encourage you to hang in there. God has it all in control and no matter how hopeless it seems He will work it together for His good.

Proverbs 3:5-6 – ⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; ⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

God loves you, He sees every tear you cry every heart break you feel and every sorrow you know, He can and will make a way where there is no way. The process may be painful but the result will be worth it. Hang on! Don’t give up! Instead believe and ask for wisdom, guidance and grace. Get into the Word, listen to sermons and be seeking wisdom. God is working in your life right now and when you get your breakthrough, it will be the result of what He has been doing for a long time. Whether you see it or feel it or not, keep praying and expecting because God is longing to be gracious and good to you.

So ladies dig in and ask God for the strength to keep on keeping on….you can do it, you’re 30^th year is coming!!

Love

Kara

We’re on the LIST !!!!

My heart just about leapt out of my chest as I noticed a big white A4 size envelope leaning up in my mailbox!!  I just knew what it was before I even picked it up.  I knew it was going to be from the Fertility Clinic and I knew it would tell me where we are heading, it was going to give us our next steps….whether positive or negative.  I could almost not contain the excitement I felt as I began to open up the envelope, there was nothing printed anywhere on the outside to say it was even from them but I knew that they wouldn’t for confidentiality reasons….the postie doesn’t need to know I’m getting fertility mail after all.

I prayed as I was opening the envelope that God would have his hand in whatever was contained inside.  As I read the first line of the letter which was headed ‘First Specialist Appointment’ oh the excitement was so overwhelming.  To finally be starting this adventure is so super exciting and I am going to do my best to try and keep a positive attitude throughout and pray that this would help other people going through the same thing.

So as I continued reading through the letter it says we have been funded to have this first specialist appointment (which is happening towards the end of the month….eeeeee).  This appointment is for us to go through with the doctor our medical history and discuss any questions we may have regarding our fertility and the possible treatment plan.

Then there was a second letter that is headed up ‘Public Funded Waiting List Acceptance’ ….boom!! There it is….“this letter is to confirm that we have reviewed your CPAC score for public funded treatment waiting list and wish to advise that your score is above the threshold for treatment”.  Oh the best feeling ever, even though I had a fair amount of certainty that we would be accepted, to see it in writing just cements it.

Then I read on a wee bit further and it says “currently the wait for call up is approximately 10 months” !!!  Awesome…more waiting!!  I have 2 ways to react to this piece of information 1) I can get all down in the dumps and frustrated with the fact that we have been waiting/trying to conceive for like 9 years already and now another potential year to wait just to reach the top of the list before we can even look at starting any treatment or 2) I can keep a positive attitude (because nothing I do can change the fact that I have to wait regardless) and use this time as preparation because in the big scheme of things…10 months isn’t actually that long when you stop and think about it.  9 years is long and I have managed that pretty well…..so what’s another year 🙂

I pray that God will continue to have His hand in all facets of this adventure and that He will use me somehow to bring glory to Him and also that He is still more than capable of opening my womb for us to conceive naturally as well….husband and I might as well use this time for something haha.