We learnt this song in church today and I am so claiming it. The lyrics are awesome!! “This is our time, this is our moment”.
It’s so uplifting, so if you are feeling down then crank the volume up and have a listen 🙂
Exodus 23:25-26
I have a ‘read the bible in one year’ bible that is set out into 365 daily readings and I am trying my best to keep up with it daily. I am only one day behind at the moment so I just read yesterday’s and I wanted to share this verse that jumped out to me:
“You must serve only the lord your God. If you do, I will bless you with food and water, and I will protect you from illness. There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives. (Exodus 23:25, 26)
I find it rather uncanny that I would read a verse like this today….a day when I am feeling at a loss about life and all that blah blah. And I am reminded (yet again!) that I only need to keep my eyes firmly fixed on Him. He will provid all that I need, I just need to keep serving Him wholeheartedly and He will carry me through. Praise the Lord!! Seriously, how do people go through this life without Jesus and the knowing that He got this!!
Where has the spark gone?
Good question! When did it actually happen? And not just one spark but 2….the spark of life and the spark of romance has disappeared. I find myself still going through the motions of life doing what needs to be done, putting on my everything is going wonderfully mask. I know it’s the enemy trying to suck the life and soul out of me but for some reason I just don’t have the energy or willpower to fight back. This doesn’t happen, usually I am a fighter and stubborn to the end not to let anyone or anything take me down. Where has my fight gone? Why has my fight gone? And how can I get it back?
So many questions so few answers. I know I should share with my husband about how I’m feeling and what’s going on inside of my head but I don’t know how to start. How do I tell him that I am unhappy with our life (at the moment), I’m unhappy with our marriage (at the moment) and that I’m unhappy with the lack of intimacy between us. How do I share that with the person I am meant to share my whole life with. Does anyone else ever find themselves in places of boredom?
How do you keep love fresh and alive? How do you bring fun back into sex and not just about baby making? But really what is even the point in having sex when it doesn’t result in what you are trying for anyway….what is the point. The fun of it has gone, it’s been too consumed with timing and ovulation and now it seems to be a chore or actually not at all.
I feel like I’m stuck in a desert, wandering alone by myself with stupid thoughts going round and round over and over. God where are you? Help me out of this pit.
UPDATE to this post…
Adam and I have spoken….finally. I showed him this post and it helped to get the conversation going so now we are all on the same page and boy does it help when everything is out in the open. I feel like I can jump back into this journey with my best friend right beside me and Jesus right in front leading the way. Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support xx
I Have a Staring Problem
I am re blogging this post from a dear friend who I follow. Her posts always give me such encouragement and this particular one really spoke to me and where I have been at lately. I think I needed to get out how I was feeling to then allow myself to refocus and get back on track. Time for me to kick the chair legs out from under Satan and smash the chair around his head. I need to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and His perfectly timed plan for my life. I heard on the radio yesterday about how we need to stop and bask in the bigness off God. God took Abraham out to look at the stars and it was there that he realised just how big God actually was. And in doing so the giant or giants that are in your life no longer appear so big after all. God is bigger than anything I (or you) are going through. So keep your eyes focused on God and not the problem (or the chair) and go out and stare at the stars tonight (I did last night but there was none!)
I have come to realize that I have this problem. Well actually, I have known about it for a while. My husband always points it out to me when we are waiting for a table at our favorite restaurant or walking through the mall. Or Target. Or the parking lot. Or sitting in the doctor’s office. Or even putting the groceries into the car. I always laugh him off and respond by saying “I can’t help it”.
But lately I have realized that my staring problem extends far beyond the couple arguing in the corner of the restaurant or the mother disciplining her child as she puts them in their car seat. It’s deeper than staring at the teenage girl yelling at her boyfriend or the child throwing a fit in the doctor’s office. You see, I like to stare at chairs. I know…it’s weird. But stick with me…
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Stuck in a Funk!
I started writing my missing in action post a wee while ago but just haven’t gotten around to finishing it and can’t seem to get my head in writing about all the fun stuff I have been up to over last couple of months because of this funk I am stuck in and can’t seem to climb out of. So this will be out of order but I just feel the need to get what’s on the inside out…..so if you are looking for some kind of positive and uplifting post then I suggest you stop reading!
The start of a new year….meant to be full of wonder and excitement, what new things lie ahead, what goals to set and aim for, what challenges to tackle blah blah blah but for this down and out barrenness individual I enter the new year with waiting and wondering if this is the year, will this be my year, the year that all my waiting comes to an end, the year that sees my faith and hope fulfilled or will it just be another year that ticks on by, another year of doing the same stuff just on a different day, another year of waiting, hoping, longing, praying and pleading with God.
I should be excited as we are now that little bit closer to reaching the top of the waiting list for starting IVF treatment but I’m not and I don’t know why. I am stuck in my own little pity party of whys and how comes. Why does someone get to have their 7th baby and I have none, why does that couple decide to try for a baby and then boom just like that it happens after doing it once, why do so many young girls who aren’t ready for babies end up with babies or worse get rid of them, why does someone who doesn’t even want a baby gets pregnant yet someone who desperately does want one can’t.
What if this year is going to be like every other year, what if nothing ever changes. What is the point in it all. I feel like if I can’t be a mum then what am I even here for. If I’m not going to be a part of the parenting world then what. And at this point and time my whole world is hanging on whether or not we will have a baby, I’m consumed by it. The desperation and longing aches and when I think about it too much I get all emotional. I’m not normally like this at all, I usually have the odd down day but then I am able to pick myself back up and carry on. I am generally so positive taking everything in my stride. But this time I just can’t seem to shake it. God doesn’t seem to be there, I’ve been praying and reading my bible but getting nothing. I feel alone, even though I know I’m not. My head tells me all the things I should be doing but my heart just doesn’t want to jump on board.
I’m just so emotional I hate it. Some little thought will pop in and it can bring on the tears. I was crying washing the dishes tonight then got frustrated at myself so took it out my floor and cupboard doors then sobbed again cleaning the microwave then got angry at my bathroom then pulled myself together because Adam was due home and I didn’t want him to see me like that. He just doesn’t get it. I wish I could be more like him, happy to just go through the motions of life doing the same old same old….get up, go to work, come home, tidy up (or not), have tea, watch tv, go to bed and repeat. Throw in church, a few meetings, some family events and there is our year. I want some kids in that mix and before I’m an old granny too. I turned 32 in November and the biological clock is ticking which doesn’t help and I keep thinking about what IVF doesn’t work for us, we only have a 50/50 chance (I know I know my God is bigger than those odds) but what if it’s not in God’s plan, what if we are hearing wrong, what if it will never happen. It’s so tiring trying to keep hope alive and faith strong.
I had a night away camping with my mum and younger siblings last week (camping is my happy place) and I came away feeling so much better. Had a good mum talk and felt like I had kicked this funk in the face but welcome in the new week and the funk is still there…gah!! WHY WON’T YOU JUST GO AWAY!!!
You never know, maybe tomorrow is the day that I wake up feeling my normal positive self again.
And also for those that carried on reading, thanks for listening but please know that I’m not sharing any of this for any other reason but get my feelings out, I don’t need any sympathy because I will probably just end up in a blubbering mess. I got myself into this and I’m sure with God’s help I will pull myself out again but any prayers will be gratefully received.
Early Pregnancy or Pre-Period Symptoms
Well this image pretty much sums up my last TWW!! I haven’t for a long long time let myself over analyse these waiting times but this last one well it totally took over and consumed almost every waking moment. You see I had been really pushing into God and seeking Him a whole lot more these past weeks and I kept getting things like “don’t give up” “hang in there” etc so I was super excited and was praying and hoping more than usual that maybe just maybe this was going to be the month for us! (Check out my previous post about my hearing from God encouragements: 49-and-counting). I knew when I was ovulating and DH and I made sure we BD’d at the right time before, during and after ovulation. And because of my excitement and anticipation of thinking this could be the time I totally over analysed every little symptom I was feeling.
I had tender boobs the whole time, normally this only happens a few days before AF is due to arrive. I also had lower back ache after ovulation which I haven’t had before and I have a friend who has that as her first symptom of pregnancy even before she has done a test. I also was sure I had what I thought was implantation pain. Oh yes and I even had a couple of random waves of nausea. So needless to say this is why I thought it was to be the time for us. I even got to CD30 and decided to take a pregnancy test……BFN.
That was the longest two week wait I have had for years. I normally don’t let myself get carried away with symptom analysing and I certainly wont be rushing to do that again. It totally consumed me…I woke up thinking about baby stuff and throughout the day I hate to think how many thoughts ran through my mind. Everything from nursery ideas to how we were going to announce it to what pregnancy photography shoots I want done to baby names….you name it anything to do babies and pregnancy was running through my mind. Boy, I’m sure I am going to be like the energizer bunny when I do actually get a BFP.
Even though it wasn’t the result I was eagerly waiting for I am ok with that. It was fun imagining what it might be like but I’m not going to let myself get carried away again, need to drop it back a gear or five because I just don’t think it’s that healthy 🙂
So I will just go back to baby dancing at the right times and then ‘try’ to forget about it until I realise that it has been a really long time since my last period….easier said than done.
Anyway, on a totally different subject….
MY BIRTHDAY is coming up on Friday and I am kicking off birthday celebrations tomorrow night….it’s going to be a weekend of all things birthday. I love birthday week 🙂
49 and counting!!
There must be something in the water but certainly not the water hole I’m drinking from unfortunately. I have had in the last 4 weeks 3 “we’re pregnant” announcements….2 of which were within 24hours of each other. Flip, talk about testing one’s ability to put on a brave face. However, don’t get me wrong I am truly happy for these people and am thankful that they have been able to conceive but man if I am honest it really really hurts. I just sit there and think to myself “I wonder what that feels like” to take a pregnancy test and actually see 2 lines instead of only ever seeing one!! The excitement of telling your husband when he gets home from work or planning how you are going to announce to the world your amazing news.
Well anyway I’m not one to dwell on things like that for too long as it doesn’t change anything but it got me thinking…I just wonder how many of those announcements I have had to hear over the 9 or so years we have been trying to conceive:
49!!! Forty Nine!!! That to me seems like lots!!! It’s approximately one announcement every 2.3 months over the nine years!!! If my maths works out correctly of course LOL. (These are just from family, friends and workmates)
But it’s ok and I’m ok because my God has an amazingly awesome plan for us and our future family and when it happens it is going to be amazingly awesome!! God has been speaking to me quite clearly lately and I was sharing this with a friend of mine who heads up our Women’s Ministry at church and she asked if I would be a guest writer for her Women’s Weekly Word that goes out to a whole lot of ladies in our church and beyond. So I thought I would leave with you what I wrote because it might just encourage someone out there in the world that happens to be reading my blog:
Are you hearing from God?
If someone asked me that a month ago I would have had to say “No!” To be honest I can’t actually remember if I have ever really without a doubt clearly heard from God. When I open up God’s Word I always pray before hand that I would have an open heart and ears to hear what God would like to say to me but nothing, zilch, nudda! Sometimes there would be verses that would stick out but they didn’t seem obvious enough to be from God. Surely when God speaks to you it will be on a massive sign with bright flashing lights so you knew it was actually from Him, right!! Ha if only.
I have been on a very long journey of seeking God for a breakthrough in my life. I have had ups and downs, highs and lows, feeling full of faith and positive and then feeling like I’m at the bottom of a pit with no way out. It’s like a rollercoaster….good thing I absolutely love rollercoaster’s haha. I have tried my best to embrace this journey that God has me on and to be as positive and joyful as I can throughout it but it certainly hasn’t been easy. And it certainly isn’t easy when you feel like God is nowhere to be found.
James 4:8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” so that is what I have been doing lately. Really trying to seek God more than I have before and He has been coming through for me which is super encouraging. In doing so I have learnt that God will not give me the big flashing sign that I was hoping for but instead it has been through more subtle means but I just know it is Him.
The enemy will try and do anything and everything to make you question and doubt but you need to come against that and believe that it is God, don’t let the devil rob you of what God wants to say to you.
God has been saying to me this month is to not give up and to keep on hanging in and in the word’s of Eddie “you’re 30th year is coming” (I will elaborate to my friends out in the world as you wouldn’t have heard this man share his testimony at church a couple weeks ago…Eddie shared how Abraham Lincoln tried and failed for 29 years to get into parliament and it wasn’t until his 30 year that he succeeded in becoming president). I’m sure everyone one of us will have some kind battle, situation or obstacle that you are journeying through right now and I want to encourage you to hang in there. God has it all in control and no matter how hopeless it seems He will work it together for His good.
Proverbs 3:5-6 – 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
God loves you, He sees every tear you cry every heart break you feel and every sorrow you know, He can and will make a way where there is no way. The process may be painful but the result will be worth it. Hang on! Don’t give up! Instead believe and ask for wisdom, guidance and grace. Get into the Word, listen to sermons and be seeking wisdom. God is working in your life right now and when you get your breakthrough, it will be the result of what He has been doing for a long time. Whether you see it or feel it or not, keep praying and expecting because God is longing to be gracious and good to you.
So ladies dig in and ask God for the strength to keep on keeping on….you can do it, you’re 30th year is coming!!
Love
Kara
Spring is in the Air
I just love this time of year and more so now that daylight savings has kicked in. The smell of freshly cut grass, blossoms budding, new leaves on trees and flowers forming everywhere. And with the extra daylight in the evenings you just want to get out into the garden and tidy up after the winter months have now passed and crank up the BBQ and have friends over for tea. Which is probably why I haven’t written anything for a whole month!!! Slack I know, my goal is to write something once a week even if it is nothing significant at all because now I have a whole month of stuff that I want to chat about but am conscious that people may not necessarily like to read a book 🙂
So what have I been up to? Well one thing I have been doing for the month of September was helping my sister out with birthday cakes. She was in the thick of calving and time to make and decorate her kids birthday cakes was few and far between. Her family planning wasn’t planned all that well with 3 of her 4 children having birthdays in September!! What was she thinking?! Clearly the activity of choice in December was ‘you know what’ haha.
So here are some of our creations…
First up was my nephew, Kadyn, who turned 10 and is going through a Star Wars phase
Next we have my precious little princess, Genevieve (she is my only niece), who had her very first birthday
And my superhero crazed nephew, Aasa, who turned 4
Plus throw in one for my delicious M n M loving husbando and one for a very good Sherbet Fizz fanatic friend of mine as well
Mmmm so much cake!! Had a rough work out and I reckon I have spent over 24 hours just on the decorating side not to mention the time for baking most of the cakes. I really enjoy it though, love creating things!
So what else have I been up to…well this one is not me personally but I have been cheering from the sidelines 🙂 Adam has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he has been smashing it round the house….our patio/deck area is all tidied, swept and clear ready for the BBQ season, trees have been trimmed, gardens tidied and he is creating edging on a couple of gardens as well.
We have also just today taken possession of a new house!! We have bought a rental property….eeeee scary step for us putting a landlord hat on but always good to get out of our comfort zones and learn new things. But gosh what a process, lawyers, bank managers, organising loans, paperwork, insurance etc etc but we got there in the end.
So that in a nutshell has been my life for the past month, I was going to carry on with what the haps has been on the fertility front but I think I will put that in a post of it’s own….so look out….I might have 2 posts this week haha.
Love and hugs xx
mug exchange.
This is such a cool idea…..so excited to be joining in for the first time. Sending through my info now xx
Since April 2013 I have been coordinating different quarterlyish package exchanges for the TTC (trying to conceive) Instagram community. We typically have a theme – lucky socks, stationary, ornaments, local love, nail polish, scarves, favorite things – and it’s SUCH a fun time to put together package for someone who knows about the season you are in. We don’t just cut if off to the people who are struggling to conceive, we welcome women for all phases of infertility (pregnant, adopting, new mom, etc… more details on this below!) I absolutely LOVE how all of these women come together to support one another and spread positive energy and love.
And guess what – it’s time for the next one! Typically I don’t use my blog to spread the word about this, but this time I want to invite bloggers, instagrammers and all of social media to participate (plus have a…
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Will it ever be my turn?
So I got up today and got ready for church like any other Sunday. Decided I felt like wearing a little makeup this particular day which I do now and again….was all ready and it was me this time that was waiting for my darling husband to finish getting ready and we headed off to church together.
Today is Father’s Day which doesn’t really bother Adam the same way it can me. I knew the message was going to be based around Fathers which was fine, I didn’t really think much about it. I also knew that towards the end if the sermon some friends of ours were having their new adopted baby dedicated today, which was also fine…or so I thought. I knew the history around this couples journey to adopting and it is amazing to see it come to pass. They have 2 children of their own (ages 21 and about 11) and 3 1/2 years ago God gave them a vision of adopting a little girl. They imagined it would be an international adoption and had been going through the process of doing this for the past year and a half. And then to me what seemed ‘just like that’ God brought that vision into being. A little girl had been born into a situation where her natural parents were in no position to look after and care for her and long story short they have been able to adopt her.
As they were sharing their story I couldn’t help but be touched by it and shed a wee tear or two for them….happy joyful tears. She then said something that struck an emotional cord that I never expected. She said that she knows there are people who are longing to have their own baby and prays that their story brings hope to them. Well that was the start of an emotional episode that I couldn’t control. It started with just a few sneaky tears which I was discreetly trying to wipe away. The dedication ended and the worship team got up to play one last song and well that was it….boom cry baby central. Why oh why did I wear mascara…of all days!! My dear friend who was sitting behind me obviously could tell I was upset and put a caring hand on my shoulder and that set me off even more. I could hear her praying for me and I am so touched to have friends that are in my corner cheerleading along side of me as I go through this difficult journey.
I am usually always so in control of my emotions (especially in public) but I just couldn’t hold it together today. I don’t know what came over me, I don’t actually even know what I was blubbing about. I don’t recall any one thing that I was thinking in the midst of my episode. It certainly wasn’t a “why not or woe is me” moment. I think it was more of a “I wonder what it feels like to be that person” moment. Imagining being the the one up their holding our precious gift from God and dedicating him or her and wondering if it will ever be my turn.
Even now as I think about it I am feeling those emotions bubbling up inside of me. I have only had that happen one other time quite a few years ago while my Life Group prayed for us and again it all just spewed out of nowhere. Total uncontrollable mess….kinda embarrassing really.
So anyway as I pulled myself together all I could manage saying to God was to please let it be our turn soon. I will continue to pray and believe and trust and imagine. God has His master plan for us and His timing is perfect. All I can hold onto is the fact that my Heavenly Father is the best father there is and only wants the best for me.
faith to footsteps 